In Today’s Blog

Today, we’ll explore solutions for dealing with the hurtfulness of relationship saboteur #5: retaliation. We’ll also look at how triggering can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred practice.

If you haven't already read Part 1, I recommend doing so before continuing since this blog is a continuation of last month's.

And, if this is your first time reading our 7 Relationship Saboteurs mini-series, and you’re wondering what this mini-series is all about, you can get up to speed by reading about it here.

Why Retaliation Hurts So Much 

Retaliation hurts so much because it deepens emotional wounds and erodes trust, creating a cycle of wounding and resentment. It undermines the foundation of your marriage, making it difficult to communicate and resolve conflicts constructively.

Solutions

Adopting effective strategies to break the destructive cycle of retaliation and foster a healthier, more trusting relationship is essential. Here are some practical solutions to help you address and overcome the harmful effects of retaliation:

·      Communication

Once you’ve had a moment to reflect on things and your mind is calm, share your feelings openly and honestly with your husband without assigning blame. Use “I” statements to communicate how you experienced the hurtful words he said.

·      Understand underlying issues

Recognize that retaliation is a two-way street — both your husband's defensiveness and your own triggering stem from unresolved past emotional wounds. When both of you are calm, talk with your husband about the inner wounds being triggered within you and ask him to share what he’s defending within himself. Openly discussing these issues will facilitate healing and prevent old wounds from resurfacing.

·      Use the Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby! ™ Technique

When emotions run high, taking a break to cool down before continuing the conversation prevents escalation and allows both parties to approach the issue more calmly.

I’ve developed the Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby! ™ Technique for times when you need to Stop the arguing, Drop out of the line of fire, and Roll into self-care. This technique gives you time to practice self-reflection and nurture self-care.

·      Apologize

If you’ve retaliated to your husband’s retaliation with a relationship saboteur missile, apologize sincerely to your spouse. Acknowledge the hurt you inflicted and express your commitment to change.

Then forgive yourself and move forward with healing the hurt, wounded inner part of you that lashed out at another.

·      Seek support

If retaliation is a persistent issue, don’t hesitate to seek support from a relationship coach or therapist. A support system can provide perspective and help you navigate the complexities of this hurtful relationship saboteur.

Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

Marriage as a Sacred Practice

What happens when you're triggered?

You can either adopt a defensive stance, erect barriers around yourself, or internalize the situation, attributing blame solely to yourself and succumbing to self-criticism and self-victimization.

However, there's a third, more healthy approach.

 If you see your marriage as a sacred practice, then you understand that whatever has been triggered is nothing more than an old emotional injury from the past. If you can say "thank you" for the triggering event and use it as an opportunity to heal your past injury, then you can evolve past it and emerge as the wise and loving adult you’re meant to be.

By embracing this perspective, you can transform triggering moments into opportunities for growth and deepen the sacred practice of your marriage.

All it takes is one person in the relationship to understand what’s going on and turn inward for healing, transforming their relationship from battle-weary to thriving strong.

In the meantime, if you’re dealing with a spouse acting out relationship saboteur #5 (retaliation) and you’d like some support, wives, I'm here for you. Or, if you’d like help as a couple, click here.