Celebrating You and Your Family’s Achievements
Welcome to our Marriage War and Peace blog for December!
December is about celebrating your achievements and accomplishments in the past year, shining your light, and spreading joy and happiness in your marriage.
As we embrace the festive spirit of December, it’s not just about the twinkling lights, cozy gatherings, and seasonal treats. It’s also a time to reflect on the twelve months behind us—a journey filled with achievements, triumphs, and personal growth for you and your family. And for celebrating everyone’s accomplishments.
The key to celebrating achievements lies in the art of reflection. There’s no one-size-fits-all method; whether you pen down your milestones, vocalize them with conviction, or share them intimately with your spouse and family, the essence remains the same—acknowledge and appreciate the victories, big and small.
In this month's article, we'll focus on:
Negativity bias — it's real!
The Rose, Bud, and Thorn game.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
Negativity Bias
Family dinners were more about table manners than sharing about your day when I was growing up.
Amidst the familiar refrains of "elbows off the table" and "finish your vegetables," I vividly recall a dinner where I wanted to talk about my day and what was bothering me about an exchange I'd had with my sixth-grade teacher. Expecting empathy, I instead received a comparison to my sister's positive school experience—a firm dismissal of my concern.
As a parent, when I learned about negativity bias — the psychological phenomenon where we tend to pay attention to, give weight to, and remember negative experiences more vividly than positive ones — I vowed to change how my family interacted at the family table.
At first, I was focused on everyone having the opportunity to share something positive about their day. And if someone had a tough day, we also talked about that, acknowledging what happened while looking for something within the experience we could be grateful for.
As time went on, we took a more structured approach to what we shared by incorporating the Rose, Bud, and Thorn game.
Rose, Bud, and Thorn Game
Here’s how to play.
At dinner, each family member takes turns sharing these three things:
A Rose — something positive or joyful that happened to them during the day. Once shared, we allow 20 seconds for reflection, allowing the rose to open, and then acknowledge the positive experience.
A Bud — something not yet bloomed that is anticipated and hoped for. (This is my favorite part of the game because I get to hear what Shahriar and Kara are excited about.)
A Thorn — something prickly that each person is facing or didn’t go well in their day. As each person shares, everyone else offers support, acknowledges what’s going on, and sometimes gives a hug.
Another Rose — something else positive to counter-balance the negativity bias that occurs when sharing a ‘Thorn.’
After each person shares their ‘Rose,’ ‘Bud,’ ‘Thorn,’ and ‘Another Rose’ of their day, we all offer encouragement, congratulations, and supportive understanding.
What I love about this game is that it fosters the sharing of positive experiences and creates a space for addressing challenges, nurturing empathy, and enhancing family understanding. It's a beautiful way to conclude the day, embracing and celebrating the good moments while finding comfort in family support during the not-so-good times.
Witnessing my daughter's and husband's joy as they exchange laughter during this activity brings me profound satisfaction. And our meaningful exchange about all that’s unfolding in our lives has transformed our family dinner time into a cherished ritual.
Helpful Tip
As Kara has grown into a teenager — where many shut down and quit sharing about their day — I’m grateful that this family routine provides an avenue to keep her interacting with her family while giving us, her parents, insight into her daily joys and concerns.
If you have younger children, you can simplify this activity by focusing only on the ‘Rose’ and ‘Bud’ to encourage discussions about positive experiences and hopes. Then, as they get older, add in the ‘Thorn.’
Helpful Resource
To learn more about negativity bias and how to counter-balance it, read Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence by Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
Resource Link
Rick Hanson
If you want to read more about Rick Hanson and his book, here’s an interview you’ll enjoy.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unlocking-negativity-bias-interview-with-rick-hanson/
Happy sharing this holiday season!!!
