Welcome to our Marriage and Peace blog for August!

August is about reducing stress and taking control of your life. This may mean setting boundaries with third parties intruding on your marriage. It's also a time to focus on self-care and reducing stress to be present and available in your marriage.

You know that whole “two become one” thing that’s supposed to happen when you get married? Well, it's more like 50. Seriously! There’s your family, your husband’s family, and each other’s friends. And everyone is jostling for space and time and bringing new and old relationship expectations.

If this has been your experience, then more than once, you’ve thrown up your hands in despair as assumptions overran boundaries. Not deliberately! But still.

Boundaries may sound like a negative thing at first. Yet, setting healthy boundaries teach us how to lovingly cultivate a connection with extended family and friends while putting your marriage first.

In this month’s article, we’ll focus on:

• How to set in-law boundaries

• Using “boundary of the bloodline” to keep the peace

• How to become a good I’D KISSER

In-Law Boundaries

In-law relationships can be a wonderful part of married life. They can also be stressful.

In the early years of our marriage, Shahriar and I experienced major tension due to in-law interactions and expectations.

He had 32 years of dealing with his family, and I had 30 years of dealing with mine. We each knew how our familial relationships worked and understood the nuances

Yet, when “two become one,” there’s no way you can quickly get up to speed with familial patterns, expectations, and ‘understandings.’

For Shahriar and me, it was a bloody minefield! Until I learned about the ‘boundary of the bloodline’ from Terry Real, relationship expert extraordinaire!

I so wish I’d learned about this technique sooner — it would have saved us a lot of angst!

Boundary of the Bloodline

Here’s how it works:

If the wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, sister, or brothers-in-law, she tells her husband, and he handles it. Not her!

And visa-versa. The wife handles any conflicts that arise directly with her family, if her husband has any problems with in-laws.

How refreshing is that?

Lordy, lordy, if I’d only known then what I know now, I would have enlisted Shahriar’s help from the beginning. I would have stayed out of things. I would have been at peace. And the fights we used to have over in-laws would have ceased!

Woulda, coulda, shoulda!

If I could go back and do it over, I’D KISSER to help us deal with our in-law grievances.

What?

I’D KISSER

Yep, it’s an acronym.

How to Talk About In-Law Boundaries with Your Spouse

Relationships take time and require healthy boundaries to grow and flourish. Remember this helpful acronym when talking with your husband to become a good I’D KISSER:

I — INVITE a conversation with your spouse to express your need.

D — During the DAY — not first thing in the morning when your husband is headed out the door for work or right before bed when he’s mentally, emotionally, and physically tired — talk with your husband. Make sure he’s well-fed, rested, and willing.

KISS — KEEP IT SIMPLE and calmly STATE what you observed, how it made you feel, and what kind of support you need from him. If it’s easier for you, make a video recording and play it when you’re together. Speak slowly, modulate your voice, and keep all emotions at bay.

E — EXPRESS your vision about the kind of relationship you want to have with his family. And enlist his help in setting clear boundaries with them.

R — RE-AFFIRM that you want a healthy relationship with his in-laws and want the same for him with your family.

Above all else, don’t:

• Become defensive — stay open and responsive.

• Blame, shame, or guilt — remain loving and caring.

• Make false accusations — speak your truth without embellishment.

• Make your spouse wrong — or yourself.

• Make matters worse — Lordy, no.

• Try to control — anything!

• Shut down — remain present and mindful.

Helpful Resource

Terry Real is a brilliant marriage therapist. In his book: Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, Terry guides couples in strengthening their relationship and communicating collaboratively.

Resource Link

Please join my AMAZON BOOK CLUB! Every resource I share can be easily found here!

Or, If you want to order the book, here is the link on Amazon.

Free Resources

Terry also has some terrific free resources. Check out 10 Commandments for Taking a Time Out for when conversations get heated.

https://terryreal.com/ebooks-worksheets/

Happy boundaries making! It's easier than you think!

P.S I am excited to introduce you to my upcoming book!

What do you when you love your husband and hate the situation you are in?

I'm incredibly excited to share my upcoming book with you!! "How to Stay Married by a Divorce Attorney" is coming soon! Stay tuned, and join me on this exciting adventure of marriage as a sacred act!