Welcome to our Marriage War and Peace blog for September!

September is about repairing and nurturing relationships with your spouse and children by communicating effectively, resolving conflicts quickly, and creating a harmonious relationship environment.

You always hurt the one you love, the one you should not hurt at all.

You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall.

You always break the kindest heart with a hasty word you can't recall.

First recorded by The Mills Brothers in 1944, while the tune doesn't come to mind for most of us, the lyrics' sentiment does.

There are countless times I’ve inadvertently caused Shahriar and our daughter Kara to be hurt by what I’ve said, done, or didn’t. And times when I’ve lashed out from my pain to hurt them. 

Dang, it hurts admitting that!

Yet, I know we’ve all done it. And I know we can be S.M.A.R.T. about repairing the damage.

Whether you’ve hurt someone you love intentionally or unintentionally, you can help repair and nurture the damage by modeling your S.M.A.R.T. skills and teaching them how to communicate effectively.

In this month’s article, we’ll focus on:

• How we learn

• 8 Steps for successful conflict resolution

Kids Say the Darndest Things

One day, Kara came to me and stated:

I’ve raised myself. Not You.

Well, bowl me over, little one!

Kara was seven. And, I worked from home. So, we spent nearly the entire day together, I was very involved in her raising, thank you very much. Yet, I was super proud she had that kind of brassy independence.

Next, she blurted out:

Have you seen how well-behaved I am at the playground? I’m that way so you can have mommy-time with all the other mommies.

Whose kid says that?

What blew me away most was that Kara had the wherewithal to keep herself quiet on the playground so I could have adult interaction with the other parents, even though she would have liked to have me all to herself.

Dang, she was precocious at that age!

Still, is.

8 Steps for Successful Conflict Resolution

Children learn from observing first, then modeling it later. Works the same with adults. That’s why these steps are so powerful!

Step 1: Make an appointment to talk.

Ask your husband and/or child(ren) for a date and time to talk.

This models how important it is for everyone to make time to talk.

Step 2: Pre-pave what outcome you’d like from your meeting.

You could intend a harmonious outcome or a mutual understanding of all viewpoints.

Modeling this shows that you’re centered, open, and curious.

Step 3: Create a healthy boundary buffer.

Don’t take anything personally. Successful conflict resolution means listening and maintaining equanimity.

Mirroring this is one of the most powerful skills you can emulate for your children!

Step 4: State what you said or heard.

Often, you’ll be surprised by what’s reflected. That’s because when we speak and hear while angry, it gets filtered through our pain and distorted by our hurt.

Use this phrase: “What I heard you say was . . . .”

Modeling this signals your willingness to have your thoughts affirmed or revised. 

Step 5: Share what you made up about it.

What we hear through our pain filter gets spun by our mind into stories as it tries to make sense of things.

Use this phrase: “And the story I made up about it is . . . .”

That way, you own your part of the conflict and model vulnerable strength.

Step 6: Share how you decided it made you feel.

To be clear — no one and nothing can ‘make you feel’ anything you aren’t already feeling.

Own what feelings were triggered by saying: “I decided what you said made me feel . . . . Was this your intent?”

Chances are it wasn’t. However, even if it was, truth in the name of love is on the table to talk about. Either way, you’ve modeled a win-win for conflict resolution.

Step 7: Share what you’d like to have happen in the future.

Notice the word: like.

While ‘like’ implies a request, state what you’d like to happen concretely. That’s where S.M.A.R.T comes in — we’ll discuss that in our October 1 blog on “Stepping into Your Power.”

[Remind myself to post October's blog link back here]

Step 8: Get everyone involved.

I adore a collaborative approach to conflict resolution, and this is the step that mirrors a co-creative style of getting everyone involved with the solution.

Ask: “What do you need from me to help you?”

Next month, we’ll look at how being S.M.A.R.T. sets you and others up for successful conflict resolution and opens the pathway to better communication and harmonious living.

For now, though, have fun modeling these 8 steps for successful conflict resolution.