Welcome to our Marriage War and Peace blog for January! Happy New Year!

In January, I like to start by reflecting on my marriage — what went well last year and what didn’t — then create a vision for the new year. Of how I want to be, what I hope my husband and I will achieve together, and ways I can be a soulful leader in my marriage.

If you’re like me and want your marriage to thrive and grow, you know how important it is to invest in its vision.

My name is Veronica L. Nabizadeh, and I bring a unique perspective to the conversation on marriage as an attorney, family law mediator, a relationship and family coach and soon-to-be-released author of How to Stay Married by a Divorce Attorney.

With 20 years of experience in seeking truth in the name of love, I understand the challenges faced by those in struggling marriages and have seen the devastating effects of marriage wars on spouses and children.

Whether you are newly married or celebrating a milestone anniversary, defining what you want your marriage to look like is essential to creating a solid foundation for your relationship.

In this article, I’ll share the following:

• My vision for our marriage and how it clashed with my husband’s.

• Four steps I wish I’d taken earlier.

• A free Marriage Vision Worksheet

I Should Have Been Born in the 40s

Growing up, my parents were my role models. I admired their marriage.

Although my parents came from Mexico, my mom was a first-generation Mexican born in Laredo, Texas. My dad, who’d joined the Army to become a US citizen, had experienced discrimination because of his heritage, so he did everything he could to shed his cultural identity.

Because of this, Mom was the one who set the cultural traditions of our family — decidedly American.

Every day, I watched Mom ‘play house’ — June Cleaver meets Martha Stewart. She loved doing things for Dad, taking care of us kids, and decorating for the holidays. Dad’s role was to be the breadwinner and do the manly stuff around the home.

I really liked their marriage roles and wanted to create them in mine.

However, it wasn’t until after Shahriar and I had attended a weekend marriage boot camp that I realized he didn’t want me playing house, picking out his clothes, or cooking meals for him.

I wanted a big family with lots of children — think Norman Rockwell’s “Thanksgiving” — to play house, volunteer at our kid’s schools, and get involved with charities.

(Yep, I should have been born in the 1940s.)

He wanted none of that — despite us being well off financially (he’s a physician), Shahriar wanted me to have a career and a life outside him.

These disparate views of marital role expectations created a lot of strife in our marriage!

Looking back, I realize that had we discussed the roles we wanted in our marriage; our lives would have been more peaceful and loving.

If only someone had given me the Marriage Vision Worksheet, it would have brought peace to our marriage a lot sooner!

Four Steps to Creating Your Vision for a Soulful Leadership Marriage

Take these four steps to explore, identify, and express your marriage vision with your partner.

Step 1: Identify your vision for your marriage.

Start the new year by identifying how you want your marriage to look in 2023.

Examine what you liked (or didn’t like) about your parent's marriage or the roles you see expressed in movies or TV shows. Make a list of what's important to you.

Step 2: Discuss your vision with your partner.

Give your spouse a copy of the Marriage Vision Worksheet below, and both of you fill it out.

Write down which roles you’d like each of you to play in your marriage, then set a date to discuss your visions.

Tip: Remember that each of you came into your marriage with expectations of roles. Therefore, when you share your vision, do so with compassion.

Step 3: Become a soulful leader.

A soulful leader is a compassionate visionary who respects that marriage is a co-creative effort between two people.

Soulful leaders are willing to openly facilitate conversations with their spouses without judgment or blame. Be open to each other’s perspectives.

Tip: If you feel yourself becoming defensive, take a break. And when you come back, do your best to hear and understand the other’s perspective, even if you don’t share your spouse’s viewpoint.

Step 4: Cherish and give gratitude.

Finally, find ways to cherish and give gratitude to and for one another daily.

Get Your Marriage Vision Worksheet

If you’d like access to the same Marriage Vision Worksheet I use each year, e-mail me at [email protected]. Put “vision worksheet” in the subject line, and I’ll send it to you.

You don’t have to figure everything out today. You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. And you don’t have to tackle everything at once... You just have to show up... and focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. And trust...~Daniell Koepke

Have fun creating your shared vision of love in 2023!!