When my marriage was in trouble, I turned to Terry Real, an internationally celebrated marriage and family therapist, for help.

Terry played a pivotal role in helping me understand the deeper significance of my marriage. And through his guidance, I began seeing our union as a spiritual practice. A sacred contract purposefully designed to be a transformative journey, prompting us to confront and examine the wounds from our past.

As you can imagine, this was a little hard for me to grasp.

Yet, the more I worked with Terry, the more I understood that marriages are spiritual practices designed to challenge us and trigger old emotional injuries that have remained frozen in time so that we can examine and evolve past them into the wise adults we are meant to be.

Welcome to our 7 Relationship Saboteurs mini-series.

Each month, we’ll embark on a journey of self-discovery by delving into the 7 relationship saboteurs. Together, we’ll uncover the nature of each saboteur, recognize its manifestations, and learn how you can utilize it as an opportunity to go inward for self-reflection and growth.

But first, a little background.

We Had No Idea!

Like most couples, Shahriar and I had no idea why we were fighting so much. Our arguments always started small and ended large.

It didn’t matter what the topic was; it always ended the same way — me crying and reaching for a misery stabilizer (food) and Shahriar closed off and distancing himself.

We were both miserable!

We got married because we loved each other, for heaven’s sake! So why were we hurting each other?

Before Terry Real, we had no idea.

So, we ended up battle-weary. I became anxious, depressed (needing mediation), and a shadow of my pre-marriage happy self. And Shahriar got more prickly and emotionally unavailable.

It didn’t take long before I went to bed before him, and he fell asleep on the sofa watching TV.

We both knew we couldn’t continue this way. I even talked with a divorce attorney friend about getting a divorce.

Yep. I did.

The Turn Around

The talk I had with my friend turned things around for me. She said:

Veronica, I can see how much pain you’re in. And getting a divorce is certainly an option we can explore together. However, getting a divorce will only bring relief. It won’t help you heal the parts of you that Shahriar is triggering. And it’s those parts that you’ll take with you to your next relationship. Is that what you want to do?

(Ya know, dear reader, this was one of those love-hate conversations.)

I wanted to say: “Hell yes, I want a divorce!”

But my wise inner knower said: “No, you don’t.”

Sheesh.

So, I contacted Terry Real to help me stay.

As a result, I took what Terry Real taught and turned them into the 7 relationship saboteurs that plague everyone’s marriage.

These are the relationship saboteurs we’ll explore in this mini-series.:

7 Relationship Saboteurs

1. Unbridled self-expression

2. Being defensive

3. Being controlling

4. Blaming, shaming, and judging

5. Retaliation

6. Withdrawing

7. Need to be right

Yep, these are the saboteurs that all couples struggle with. They will push your buttons, activate your wounds, and cause massive discord within your marriage. These saboteurs are so powerful you won’t even know what you’re fighting about!

If any of this resonates with you, this mini-series will give you insight, awareness, and perspective.

Finally, you’ll understand what’s going on. And maybe you, too, will start seeing marriage as a sacred practice.

Be courageous. Much is awaiting you in the name of love.