Welcome to Part 1 of Relationship Saboteur #4!

Today’s topic: Saboteur #4 Blaming, Shaming, and Judging (Part 1)

When you and your spouse are fighting, and you don’t know the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ . . .  check to see which of the 7 relationship saboteurs is triggering you. 

Exciting Opportunity

Gain insights into all 7 relationship saboteurs to unlock the potential for transformative change in your relationship. Discover how to effectively integrate them with the groundbreaking Stop, Drop, Roll, Baby! Technique that I've developed.

This powerful approach is designed to end conflicts between you and your husband. Watch the video and consider joining our next Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby! Turnaround scheduled for April 19 - 21. It's a unique opportunity to enhance your relationship dynamics and foster lasting harmony.

In Today’s Blog

In today’s blog, we’ll look at how blaming, shaming, and judging manifests, what it looks like and implies, and how this relationship saboteur justifies its actions. Finally, we’ll look at what’s being triggered within you.

Next month, we’ll explore solutions and examine how being triggered can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred act.

If this is your first time reading our 7 Relationship Saboteurs mini-series, and you’re wondering what this mini-series is all about, you can get up to speed by reading about it here.

Relationship Saboteur # 4 Blaming, Shaming, and Judging

Blaming means assigning fault to your spouse, shaming is attempting to make them feel inferior or guilty, and judging is being critical of your partner's actions, behaviors, or decisions. 

1. How it manifests
   

This relationship saboteur manifests when one spouse consistently blames the other, uses shame as a weapon, and frequently passes judgment on their actions. This creates a toxic dynamic that undermines the foundation of your marriage.

2. What it looks like
   
   Blaming:

• Aggressive body posture — arms crossed, pointing fingers, intense eye contact.

• Avoiding personal responsibility by putting the onus on you.
  
  “You’re always neglecting your responsibilities!”

Shaming:

• Verbal hostility — using derogatory language or tone to put you down. 

• Using belittling tactics.
  
  “You can’t even handle simple tasks; you’re so incompetent.”

Judging:

• Constantly critiquing your spouse’s actions, choices, or behaviors. 

• Rarely saying anything positive about your spouse.
  
  “Why are you doing it that way? It’s wrong.”

3. What it implies

• You’re wrong.

• You’re not good enough.

• Your opinions don’t matter.

• You’ll never measure up.

4. How it justifies its actions

• “I’m just making sure things are done right.”

• “I’m trying to help you improve.”

• “It’s for your own good.”

• “I’m just pointing things out.”

5. What’s being triggered within you?

If you're on the receiving end of these exchanges, it's only natural to want to retaliate by launching your salvo of relationship saboteurs at your spouse. However, before you do that, understand that the part of you being triggered is an old emotional injury from the past. It's triggering you now so you can examine the wound and evolve past it into the wise adult you're meant to be. 

Next month, we’ll explore solutions to this relationship saboteur and look at how triggering can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred act.

In the meantime, if you’re dealing with a spouse who’s acting out relationship saboteur #4 (blaming, shaming, and judging) and you’d like some support, I'm here for you.