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7 Relationship Saboteur Blaming, Shaming, and Judging Part 2

April 07, 20243 min read

Welcome to Part 2 of Relationship Saboteur #4!

Today’s topic: Saboteur #4 Blaming, Shaming, and Judging (Part 2)

When you and your spouse are fighting, and you don’t know the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ . . .  check to see which of the 7 relationship saboteurs is triggering you.   

In Today’s Blog

Today, we’ll explore solutions for dealing with the destructiveness of relationship saboteur #4: blaming, shaming, and judging. We’ll also look at how triggering can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred practice.

Additionally, we'll shine a light on the profound potential for transformation inherent in moments of triggering, both for personal evolution and the deepening of marital bonds. 

If you’ve not already read Part 1, I recommend doing so before continuing (it will only take a few minutes), since this blog is a continuation of last month’s blog.

And, if this is your first time reading our 7 Relationship Saboteurs mini-series, and you’re wondering what this mini-series is all about, you can get up to speed by reading about it here.

Why Blaming, Shaming, and Judging Hurts So Much

Blaming, shaming, and judging hurt so much because they undermine your sense of self-worth and erode trust in your marriage. They create a toxic cycle of defensiveness and resentment, preventing genuine connection and understanding from flourishing. 

When you're subjected to these behaviors, you feel misunderstood, invalidated, and disconnected, leading to deep emotional pain and relational damage. 

Solutions

Dealing with a blaming, shaming, and judging relationship saboteur can be tricky. However, here are several strategies that will help.

  • Communication

 Open, honest communication is key. Address the behavior calmly and assertively, expressing how it makes you feel without placing blame.

  • Setting boundaries

Establish clear boundaries regarding what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Stick to these boundaries and enforce consequences if they're crossed.

  • Self-reflection

Take a moment to reflect on your actions and reactions. Sometimes, our responses can exacerbate the situation. Understanding your triggers can help you respond more effectively.

  • Empathy


Try to understand where your husband is coming from. People often resort to blaming, shaming, or judging due to their insecurities or past experiences.

  • Focus on solutions, not blame

Shift the conversation’s focus from assigning blame to finding solutions. Instead of dwelling on who's at fault, work with your husband to identify practical steps to improve the situation.

  • Seeking support 

Don't hesitate to seek support from a relationship coach or therapist if the situation becomes overwhelming. Having a support system can provide perspective and help you navigate the complexities of this destructive relationship saboteur.

Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. 

Marriage as a Sacred Practice

What happens when you're triggered?

You have the option to either assume a defensive stance, build barriers around yourself, or internalize the situation, attributing blame solely to yourself and succumbing to self-criticism.

However, there exists a third, more wholesome approach.

When you view marriage as a sacred practice, you recognize that any trigger is merely resurrecting an old emotional wound from the past. If you can express gratitude for the triggering event and use it as an opportunity to heal your past injury, you can transcend it and emerge as the wise and loving adult you are meant to be.

All it takes is one person in the relationship to understand what’s going on and turn inward for healing, to transform their relationship from battle-weary to thriving strong.

In the meantime, if you’re dealing with a spouse who’s acting out relationship saboteur #4 (blaming, shaming, and judging) and you’d like some support, I'm here for you. And if you are a couple seeking help, I'm here for you too!

Veronica's Signature

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Our Marriage War and Peace blog is your go-to resource for keeping you and your marriage strong and healthy by providing information and resources as you navigate the ups and downs of your marriage. And inspiration and hope if you’re battle-weary and ready to throw in the towel. 

As an attorney, family law mediator, and relationship restart specialist, I bring a unique perspective to the conversation on marriage because I’ve “been there, done that” and understand the challenges faced by those struggling in their marriages.

Veronica L. Nabizadeh, Esq., NBC-HWC

Our Marriage War and Peace blog is your go-to resource for keeping you and your marriage strong and healthy by providing information and resources as you navigate the ups and downs of your marriage. And inspiration and hope if you’re battle-weary and ready to throw in the towel. As an attorney, family law mediator, and relationship restart specialist, I bring a unique perspective to the conversation on marriage because I’ve “been there, done that” and understand the challenges faced by those struggling in their marriages.

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