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When you and your spouse are fighting, and you don’t know the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ . . . check to see which of the 7 relationship saboteurs is triggering you.
Today, we’ll explore solutions for dealing with the destructiveness of relationship saboteur #4: blaming, shaming, and judging. We’ll also look at how triggering can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred practice.
Additionally, we'll shine a light on the profound potential for transformation inherent in moments of triggering, both for personal evolution and the deepening of marital bonds.
If you’ve not already read Part 1, I recommend doing so before continuing (it will only take a few minutes), since this blog is a continuation of last month’s blog.
And, if this is your first time reading our 7 Relationship Saboteurs mini-series, and you’re wondering what this mini-series is all about, you can get up to speed by reading about it here.
Blaming, shaming, and judging hurt so much because they undermine your sense of self-worth and erode trust in your marriage. They create a toxic cycle of defensiveness and resentment, preventing genuine connection and understanding from flourishing.
When you're subjected to these behaviors, you feel misunderstood, invalidated, and disconnected, leading to deep emotional pain and relational damage.
Solutions
Dealing with a blaming, shaming, and judging relationship saboteur can be tricky. However, here are several strategies that will help.
Communication
Open, honest communication is key. Address the behavior calmly and assertively, expressing how it makes you feel without placing blame.
Setting boundaries
Establish clear boundaries regarding what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Stick to these boundaries and enforce consequences if they're crossed.
Self-reflection
Take a moment to reflect on your actions and reactions. Sometimes, our responses can exacerbate the situation. Understanding your triggers can help you respond more effectively.
Empathy
Try to understand where your husband is coming from. People often resort to blaming, shaming, or judging due to their insecurities or past experiences.
Focus on solutions, not blame
Shift the conversation’s focus from assigning blame to finding solutions. Instead of dwelling on who's at fault, work with your husband to identify practical steps to improve the situation.
Seeking support
Don't hesitate to seek support from a relationship coach or therapist if the situation becomes overwhelming. Having a support system can provide perspective and help you navigate the complexities of this destructive relationship saboteur.
Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
What happens when you're triggered?
You have the option to either assume a defensive stance, build barriers around yourself, or internalize the situation, attributing blame solely to yourself and succumbing to self-criticism.
However, there exists a third, more wholesome approach.
When you view marriage as a sacred practice, you recognize that any trigger is merely resurrecting an old emotional wound from the past. If you can express gratitude for the triggering event and use it as an opportunity to heal your past injury, you can transcend it and emerge as the wise and loving adult you are meant to be.
All it takes is one person in the relationship to understand what’s going on and turn inward for healing, to transform their relationship from battle-weary to thriving strong.
In the meantime, if you’re dealing with a spouse who’s acting out relationship saboteur #4 (blaming, shaming, and judging) and you’d like some support, I'm here for you. And if you are a couple seeking help, I'm here for you too!
"Before working with Veronica my husband and I had spoken to other relationship therapists and did “talk” therapy. At the conclusion of each session we walked away with little insight and rarely forward momentum. After working with Veronica, I see that we are going deeper and hitting the crux of our challenges. Our sessions are practical and we have had positive impact and we’ve made true progress. Veronica helped us identify the unsustainable patterns that we unknowingly got ourselves stuck in and had been causing us very uneven happiness and closeness. After nearly 20 years of marriage, we have hope and look forward to our next 20 years."
-M & S, New York
"On the brink of divorce, we had tried therapy and it didn’t work. Our marriage was a roller coaster and I felt emotionally drained every day. When I got pregnant I had to do something because I didn’t want to bring my baby into our hot mess. Veronica diagnosed was was going on in our first session! My husband and I have helped each other heal so much in our sessions with Veronica. We are a team now and it feels so good to have our son being born into a peaceful home."
-K & M, Washington
"As a result of working with Veronica, I live in peace without anxiety or panic. I love where I live, and I work out and have taken pride in the healthy meals I prepare for myself. Veronica is the only person who has helped me achieve any lasting results. It’s been nearly 2 years since our first session and I am feeling so stable and at-peace. I cannot recommend her enough, as she changed my life."
-JR, Virginia
"My marriage was in shambles and I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was desperate for a solution that didn't involve medication. My husband refused to go to therapy with me, which left me feeling hopeless. We were constantly fighting and didn't know how to break the cycle. Since Veronica came into my life, my family is in a much better place. I no longer take my husband's behavior personally, and we're able to enjoy each other's company. I hear my kids giggle every day, and it fills me with joy. I'm forever grateful for Veronica's guidance and support."
-SF, Louisiana
"Veronica's approach was unique: she aimed to assist 'conscious couples' like us who wanted a harmonious, child-focused resolution. We found her process educational and empowering; she shattered our notion that divorce has to be a battlefield. Her skillful facilitation accommodated our hectic lives, making continuous progress seem effortless."
-M & D, Florida
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