Early in our marriage, when I was trying to figure out why Shahriar and I were fighting so much, I began using the 'Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby!' technique to surprising success.

Surprising because I actually did it.

Success because it worked!

Welcome to the 'Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby! ' mini-series.

Each month, we’ll focus on situational-specific applications of one of the most successful techniques I’ve ever used and one I teach all my clients that’s guaranteed to smother what’s fueling the flames of discourse in your marriage.

But first, some background.

We Didn’t Know What We Were Doing

When Shahriar and I got married, we didn’t know much about what it took to have a ‘good’ marriage. We didn’t know how to communicate our needs without one-upping each other or how to have relational conversations without being triggered. And we most certainly didn’t have the skills to work through conflict.

I don’t think we were much different than most people navigating the “two become one” pathway of marriage. Yet, our inability to deal with conflict continued. Until our daughter Kara brought me to my knees.

Slayed By Truth

My down-on-my-knees-weeping moment came when Kara was four years old.

Shahriar and I had been fighting, and I was busy pretending it hadn’t happened when she came into the kitchen with her eyes brimming with tears, pleading:

Mommy, please stop. You and Daddy fight all the time!

Oh no!

Despite our best efforts to fight in private, Kara knew what was happening and needed me to make it stop.

“Please stop!” Instantly, those two words slayed me and turned me into a failure as a mother.

Mothers are supposed to protect their children. They’re supposed to provide a safe place to thrive, a nurturing environment to feel loved, and a harmonious home in which to live.

I hadn’t.

Worse still, my self-absorbed, needy self hadn’t provided the one thing Kara needed most— peace.

Please stop!

(Those two words still haunt me.)

Yet, as I bear-hugged Kara to me, I vowed to stop fighting and start figuring things out.

The 'Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby!' Technique

Do you recall the simple fire safety technique taught to children to minimize damage if their clothing catches on fire — stop, drop, and roll?

They’re told to stop, ceasing any movement that fans the flames. Then drop to the ground and cover their faces with their hands to avoid injury. Finally, they’re to roll on the ground or wrap themselves up with a rug to deprive the fire of oxygen, thus extinguishing the flames.

Well, that works when couples are on fire, too.

From the moment I heard Kara’s plea, I decided to:

1. Stop contributing to the fighting. Stop one-upping my husband. And stop escalating the arguments.
   

2. Drop my neediness to avoid further injury when Shahriar distanced himself.
   

3. Roll me in inner wholeness to deprive our arguments of oxygen.

Easy-peasy, right?

(I know you’re chuckling with me.)

Fortified with the image of Kara’s tear-streaked face and the echo of her plea, I did it.

Much to Shahriar’s surprise — and mine, too — I fought with him less. I reduced my salvo of needy behaviors while learning techniques to strengthen my inner wholeness.

Dear reader, I’d love to tell you this was an easy thing to do. But it wasn’t.

There were many, many times that I didn’t stop. Didn’t drop. Didn’t roll. But I didn’t give up. After a good cry, and with Kara’s voice ringing in my ears, I’d pick myself up and stop, drop, and roll again.

Whenever I felt like giving up and throwing in the towel, I reminded myself why I was doing this — for Kara. I wanted Kara to grow up to be a strong, confident woman. Secure in herself, bold in her decisions, and at peace within her environment.

Our Family Now

Kara is now 13, and Shahriar and I have been married for 23 years.

I am not exaggerating when I say that learning how to use the 'Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby' techniqued saved my marriage and is why our family thrives and flourishes.

We all know how to stop fueling the flames. We know how to drop expectations of having others take care of our needs and how to roll into self-care and love.

All it takes is one person in the relationship to use the 'Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby!' to smother the flames.

If I can do it, you can do it.

Be courageous. Much is awaiting you!