Marriage
War
&
Peace
Blog
Before we delve into today's topic, I'm excited to present an opportunity that promises insight into the underlying reasons behind the conflicts you are experiencing with your husband.
Exciting Opportunity
On June 28-30 I’m hosting the Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby!™ Turnaround weekend — an exclusive event designed exclusively for battle-weary wives that you’ll want to attend!
During this empowering event, I'll unveil the 7 relationship saboteurs wreaking havoc in your marriage and dive deeper into the revolutionary Stop, Drop, and Roll, Baby!™ Technique — a method born out of my battle-weary experience.
This powerful approach is designed to uncover the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ of your fighting and end conflicts between you and your husband. To learn more about his exciting opportunity, watch the video linked here.
When you and your spouse are fighting, and you don’t know the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ . . . check to see which of the 7 relationship saboteurs is triggering you.
In today’s blog, we’ll look at how Retaliation manifests, what it looks like and implies, and how this bad boy relationship saboteur justifies its actions. Finally, we’ll look at what’s being triggered within you.
Next month, we’ll explore solutions and look at how being triggered can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred act.
If this is your first time reading our 7 Relationship Saboteurs mini-series, you’ll want to get up to speed on this transformative information by reading about it here.
Being defensive means responding to a complaint, often with anger, in a defensive manner by explaining or excusing what happened.
This relationship saboteur can take various forms, including but not limited to verbal attacks, withholding affection, manipulation, or engaging in behaviors intended to cause distress or discomfort.
Verbal attacks:
“I can’t stand being around you anymore.”
“You’re so pathetic.”
“You’re worthless.”
Passive-aggressive behavior:
Deliberately procrastinating on tasks that effect you
Making critical remarks disguised as a joke
The silent treatment
Withholding affection:
Avoiding hugs, kisses, holding hands
Being emotionally distant or unavailable
Getting the cold-shoulder
Rejecting or avoiding sexual intimacy
Engaging in actions intended to cause emotional distress:
Emotional blackmail
Gaslighting
Guilt-tripping
Ignoring
Isolating
You’re not worthy of respect.
Your side of the story doesn’t matter.
You’re unimportant within the marriage.
Your feelings don’t matter.
"I was just joking, you're too sensitive."
"You provoked me."
"You blew things out of proportion."
"You overreacted."
“You knew I was already stressed/tired/overwhelmed.”
"You hurt me, now I get to hurt you back"
"Now we're even"
If you're on the receiving end of these exchanges, it's only natural to want to retaliate by launching your salvo of relationship saboteurs at your spouse. However, before you do that, understand that retaliation as a relationship saboteur is an immature way of handling hurt feelings. The part of you being triggered is an old emotional injury from the past. It's triggering you now so you can examine the wound and evolve past it into the wise adult you're meant to be.
Next month, we’ll explore solutions to this relationship saboteur and look at how triggering can be a transformative moment for yourself and within your marriage as a sacred act.
All it takes is one person in the relationship to understand what’s going on and turn inward for healing, to transform their relationship from battle-weary to thriving strong.
In the meantime, if you’re dealing with a spouse acting out relationship saboteur #5 (retaliation) and you’d like some support, wives, I'm here for you. Or, if you’d like help as a couple, click here.
"Before working with Veronica my husband and I had spoken to other relationship therapists and did “talk” therapy. At the conclusion of each session we walked away with little insight and rarely forward momentum. After working with Veronica, I see that we are going deeper and hitting the crux of our challenges. Our sessions are practical and we have had positive impact and we’ve made true progress. Veronica helped us identify the unsustainable patterns that we unknowingly got ourselves stuck in and had been causing us very uneven happiness and closeness. After nearly 20 years of marriage, we have hope and look forward to our next 20 years."
M & S, NYC, New York
"On the brink of divorce, we had tried therapy and it didn’t work. Our marriage was a roller coaster and I felt emotionally drained every day. When I got pregnant I had to do something because I didn’t want to bring my baby into our hot mess. Veronica diagnosed was was going on in our first session! My husband and I have helped each other heal so much in our sessions with Veronica. We are a team now and it feels so good to have our son being born into a peaceful home."
K & M, Washington
"As a result of working with Veronica, I live in peace without anxiety or panic. I love where I live, and I work out and have taken pride in the healthy meals I prepare for myself. Veronica is the only person who has helped me achieve any lasting results. It’s been nearly 2 years since our first session and I am feeling so stable and at-peace. I cannot recommend her enough, as she changed my life."
JR, McClean, Virginia
"My marriage was in shambles and I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was desperate for a solution that didn't involve medication. My husband refused to go to therapy with me, which left me feeling hopeless. We were constantly fighting and didn't know how to break the cycle. Since Veronica came into my life, my family is in a much better place. I no longer take my husband's behavior personally, and we're able to enjoy each other's company. I hear my kids giggle every day, and it fills me with joy. I'm forever grateful for Veronica's guidance and support."
SF, Louisiana
I can't thank you enough for your insightful guidance! I'm finally starting to grasp what you mean by marriage as a spiritual practice. Now, when I'm triggered, I pause and ask myself, where is this coming from? This simple act of curiosity has helped me explore any unmet needs, whether related to my relationship with myself or past experiences. It’s incredible how this shift transforms the trigger into a more compassionate response — almost like magic! Although I still desire a compassionate, understanding, and loving partner, I've found that grounding myself in self-awareness and curiosity lessens the intensity of those triggers. Working with you has allowed me to piece together years of personal growth, and your support has helped me apply everything I’ve learned. I’m truly grateful for everything you’ve helped me discover!"
NG, Great Falls, Virginia
"Thank you Veronica for taking a walk with my husband and I through some very difficult times. We are a couple only married 5 years. Our love for one another runs deep but found our communication somewhat lacking in several areas and found ourselves struggling to understand each other’s viewpoint. Our marriage was getting close to dissolving even though our hearts yearned for love throughout our golden years and truly unto death do us part.
Veronica’s spiritual aspect, her true love for people, the sanctity of marriage, her knowledge base and genuine heart has made such a difference in our marriage as we began to look into one another’s history and apply tools given to us by Veronica , we began to see a difference in leaps and bounds in the right direction.Thank you Veronica! You are amazing in so many ways!!!"
J & J Soddy Daisy, TN
"Veronica is a master at pinning untruths and exposing the ego in the most effective way for healing relationship trauma and excelling in life in general. In just two sessions my work with her has helped me identify deeply embedded story lines I’d been living out and a pathway to getting them cleared that has exponentialized my growth and emotional stability.”
FL, New Mexico
"Before working with Veronica, my wife and I had a deep love for each other, but we were having trouble communicating about certain fairly private and sensitive realities of married life. We were frustrated and unsure how to work through these issues. We have some new communication tools from working with Veronica that helped broaden our perspective, softened our expectations, and strengthened our understanding of one another significantly. Our marriage feels more aligned, and we are moving forward with greater confidence and love."
K & J, CAMPBELL, CALIFORNIA